I originally published this article on April 15, 2014, almost a month after starting Seven Graces. Since then, I have started the New Mama 101 series, and I wanted to be sure that this was included with it. Every mother’s journey is different. This was mine.
I couldn’t be happier.
Life is great.
She makes everything worth it.
I can’t imagine life without her.
I love her more than words can say.
These are all statements that I caught myself saying right after I delivered my precious baby Charlotte, and to be honest, I didn’t truly believe what I was saying. I felt like I was lying through my teeth. Now before you gasp and run away, just hear me out. All of these things seemed like the “right” things to say. I had heard these exact quotes from some of my dearest friends, and even some of my dearest ‘friends’ on TV and the big screen, enough to know that this is the way I was supposed to respond when people asked me how I was feeling immediately and not too soon after giving birth. I had never heard anyone talk about how they really felt after bringing a new baby home. (Because the real deal is only spoken about once you get into this secret society of mommyhood.) I knew that the first few weeks and months were going to be crucial for the baby’s growth and development, but what I had failed to understand was that it was also going to be a brutal and beautiful time of growing for mama as well.
When I would tell people, “I couldn’t be happier,” what I really wanted to tell them with the darkest of dark bags under my eyes and completely swollen body was that I had in fact seen better days. I would even go so far as to say that being pregnant was easier than having a newborn. And I had a horribly uncomfortable pregnancy. So there. If being sleep deprived, food deprived, and spirit deprived is what it meant to be happier than ever, then I had that covered. Good times. The only thing that gave me a little bit of hope during those dark days was remembering a verse from The Beatitudes: “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven” (Matthew 5:3 NIV). Well, at least we have that! Amen for heaven being full of mamas.
When I would tell people “Life is great,” clearly, that was sarcasm. When I became a mama, it was the most surreal time for me. I was in a baby-blues induced daze for a good two months. I was beyond thrilled to FINALLY have my baby at home with me, but no one really explained to me just how hard this gig was really going to be. Having a baby who constantly cries, spits up, and only sleeps when you are NOT able to sleep can kind of make you go coo-coo for Coco Puffs. In my daily hallucinations of sleep-deprived stupor, I couldn’t help but hear in my head a line from Forrest Gump, just as Forrest would say with his innocent disbelief of a soft voice, “You’re a mama, Jenny.” I was indeed a mama now. What in the world? And as quickly as I would hear those lines in that mom-brain of mine, I would immediately replay a different line from the same movie, praying Jenny’s prayer: “Dear God, make me a bird, so I can fly far. Far, far away from here.” I just so desperately wanted to be whisked off to a land where I could sleep. That’s all I wanted, and then maybe life really would be great. In the meantime, I had to keep reminding myself, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” (Phillippians 4:13).
When I would tell people, “She makes everything worth it,” I had no clue what I was talking about. But it sure did sound right. I thought I had thoroughly prepared myself for the day I brought my sweet Charliebear home by reading every piece of literature on having a baby, but nothing could have truly prepared me for the real deal of being a new mama. I just knew that my whole life had led up to this point, but I had high expectations of motherhood and what a baby would bring. I had expected joy and rainbows and everything good. But life with a newborn is far from a fairy tale. I don’t think I have ever prayed more in my life. If crying tears of my own every time she cried uncontrollably and inconsolably for hours on end made everything worth it, then we had that covered, too.
When I would tell people, “I can’t imagine life without her,” that definitely was a lie. Having been a planner my whole adult life, not having a schedule to follow in the newborn days nearly sent me over the edge. So yes, I could imagine a life without her because it was a life still fresh in my memory. I had an easy life prior to the C-section, hormone changes, physical and psychological transformations that I had just endured. I had so much help when we brought Charlotte home from the hospital, yet it was the most alone I had ever felt in my life. I never imagined a life like that. It’s not that I didn’t want her in my life because Lord knows how much I prayed for her to be born, I just needed time adjusting to my new kind of normal.
When I would tell people, “I love her more than words can say,” I didn’t really grasp what I was saying, because I had only just met her. I felt ashamed for not understanding and appreciating the magnitude of the miracle that had just happened. I thought that the minute I would have held my sweet baby girl would be the minute I fell in love, but it didn’t work like that for me. She was a stranger. I had grown so close to her when I carried her in my belly, but those were the easy days. Now with her being a reality on the outside world, just who was this little creature that depended on me for food, shelter, and protection? Thankfully, maternal instincts kicked in and I did figure out how to take care of her. But I was in a trance, literally taking care of her in my sleep (and I use that word correctly because my eyes would sometimes very well be closed when I would have those middle of the night nursing sessions). But love her more than words can say? This was a new kind of love for me. I had never known a love quite like this before. It was a scary, foreign, uncomfortable, crazy love that had only just begun.
But maybe I had been thinking of love all wrong. Being a mama can’t be taught by a textbook. It must be lived. “Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth” (1 John 3:18 NIV). The truth is that becoming a mama is the most humbling, earth-shaking, life-altering experience that God has ever created. The actions that seem robotic day in and day out, the truth about how hard life with a baby is that you are too embarrassed to share…it is indeed love.
I’m completely convinced that when a woman bears a child, she is completely broken down only to be rebuilt again. It’s a total metamorphosis, just like a caterpillar turning into a butterfly. When you find out you’re pregnant, you are still just a caterpillar, happy with life as it is, growing and eating until you can’t grow anymore. Once you deliver, the life you have as a new mother transitions you into the cocoon stage, turning you into a shell on the outside but with so much growth going on inside and underneath. And then one day, a butterfly emerges, still the same soul, but a rebirth into a beautiful new creature. You have officially become a mother. And after identifying and realizing my internal and spiritual growth, it was only then that those sweet sayings rang true for me.
I remember the day when everything clicked with my Charlotte Grace, the day I became a butterfly. (I guess it didn’t hurt that it was after a full night’s sleep.) I finally saw with fresh, new eyes my beautiful daughter, my baby who I absolutely loved and adored. I dressed her up in a bright yellow romper and frilly socks for no reason at all, and I just remember staring at her with the biggest smile, a smile so big that I gave with every ounce of my being, and she gave one back. She was God’s gift to me, and I knew exactly what God’s love must be like because it was a love like no other. I prayed in that moment for Jesus to be with her always and forever. I don’t think I’ve ever prayed for a person more than I’ve prayed for her.
“Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer” (Romans 12: 9-12).
She is my living miracle, a miracle of love, who leaves me in awe of God’s wonder. My love grows for her with each breath that I take and every passing moment; it’s an almost terrifying love. And to think that God loves us more than we love our own children is mind-blowing.
Now with more conviction than I ever even knew I had in me, I can say with all truth and all sincereness:
I couldn’t be happier.
Life is great.
She makes everything worth it.
I can’t imagine my life without her.
I love her more than words can say.
{An update}
Dear New Mama,
Your situation might look very different from mine, and that’s perfectly fine. If you have or had some of the same feelings that I did, that’s perfectly fine, too. Everyone’s story is different. And every story is special because it is your own. Every story matters. Like I explained, even though I expressed my deepest feelings of my postpartum blues, I am happier than I ever could have imagined. Days with my sweet baby girl are the best I’ve ever seen. Sure, we ride this roller coaster of a life sometimes holding on for dear life, but it’s a ride that I don’t ever want to end. If you are struggling, know that it gets better. Every day is a chance for God to show His goodness. Embrace it. Embrace the messy, beautiful life that is yours. If you can do that, then life will be just that much sweeter. Don’t lose hope. These babies are indeed worth it.
This post is part of the New Mama 101 series. Be sure to check here for previous posts in the series and to see what else is in store.
Kristy!! I loved every single minute of this post!! So great! I actually have been writing something similar. I can relate so much and had a similar first few months :) it's a hard adjustment and a lot of new moms will be happy to read this honest and REAL post! Xoxoxo
Thanks so much, Tawnya! I can't wait to see your take on this. :) I hope that this piece is relatable to a lot of new moms, and that it gives them hope. :)
Great post Kristy! They are little miracles:).
Such little wonders they are! :) Thanks, Lauren!
That bit about women being broken down to be rebuilt after having babies? Brilliant. I could not agree more.
Thanks, Traci! :) I think it's a pretty accurate description of what happened to me, that's for sure. ;)
What a BEAUTIFUL post. It is funny how becoming a parent affects as all differently, but no matter what I would say it rocks our world and changes everything :)
Exactly, Stasia! And thank you so much for your kind words. :)
I really had to be in the mommy club before anyone would tell me the truth. My first was definitely my hardest adjustment, and I didn't really feel the instant connection I thought I was supposed to. Probably from the hormones and no sleep before 25 hours of labor! I really scared my husband in the hospital at 3 am when I said I didn't want to be a mom. I am so glad God created us to adapt and become who He wants us to be!
I think that people don't talk about it because when you don't have children, it's really hard to comprehend. And Amen to God making us adaptable. :) Blessings to you!
This is so great! I'm glad I'm not the only who held my baby for the first time thinking it felt more like somebody else's baby. I didn't feel an "instant" connection. I was pretty overwhelmed with just giving birth, realizing that now he's here, thankful he's healthy, exhausted from labor, hungry from not eating…the list could go on and on. It took several days for us to bond, and it's hard to explain that to someone who's never been through it. The first month or two is such a fragile time for a new/expanding family. That quote is so very true – motherhood has to be lived!
Oh girl heck to the yes! I was totally the opposite though. I actually told people, “It’s really hard.” And, “She just wont sleep, I’m so freaking tired.” HAHA! I don’t sugar coat anything. And I hated being pregnant. Like legit hated it. I pray, if there’s a second time around, I’ll be in a better place to enjoy it more. Because you’re right, our bodies go through a total metamorphosis. It’s really pretty amazing. :)
Oh girl heck to the yes! I was totally the opposite though. I actually told people, "It's really hard." And, "She just wont sleep, I'm so freaking tired." HAHA! I don't sugar coat anything. And I hated being pregnant. Like legit hated it. I pray, if there's a second time around, I'll be in a better place to enjoy it more. Because you're right, our bodies go through a total metamorphosis. It's really pretty amazing. :)
I agree, those first few days, weeks, months are pretty overwhelming with the unknown. I think a lot of moms would be so happy to read this real, honest post, knowing they are not alone!!! And you are so right about having to be rebuilt as a new woman, a new person essentially. I loved this!! XO
I agree, those first few days, weeks, months are pretty overwhelming with the unknown. I think a lot of moms would be so happy to read this real, honest post, knowing they are not alone!!! And you are so right about having to be rebuilt as a new woman, a new person essentially. I loved this!! XO